Wrestling the Pig: Mediating the Fight or Flight Response

“What’s the sense of wrestling with a pig? You both get all muddy, and the pig likes it” —Cyrus S. Ching, 20th century US industrialist and trade union mediator.

Cyrus S. Ching said this line during one of his speaking engagements, in response to a heckler who was berating him with bad-faith questions. It’s easy to see the “pigs” in other people, especially when their opinions run counter to our own and they’re expressing those views aggressively, with little interest in discussion or truth-finding. But might we also appear sometimes like the metaphorical pigs? Don’t we also fall into the mud pit of our own inflamed emotions, relishing the defeat of the opposing person or group over any calm, mutual discussion that could take place? Are we aware of what occurs in our own minds, and “who” is in charge when this happens?

My family, like many others in the United States, has varying political ideologies and allegiances, at times on opposite ends of the spectrum. Conversations get heated, voices get raised, and there is rarely mutual agreement. Interestingly, though, I find that our objectives are often the same: we just have different opinions on the most effective way of getting there. We share concerns about widening wealth inequality, a complicated and expensive healthcare system, the corrosive effects of misogyny and racism, rising inflation, and an uncertain job market in the wake of the AI boom. We have common ground, but we often give up this space for the sake of winning an argument and beating the other person in a battle of words.

So how can we express and stand up for our heartfelt beliefs, while remaining open to the opinions and values of others?

Understanding how our minds and bodies operate is a start. When confronted with an opinion or action that offends us, it is natural to become “triggered”. This is not just a pejorative buzzword; it refers to a real physiological reaction in which our primal fight or flight response, located primarily in the limbic system, kicks in, elevating our heart rate and releasing adrenaline. This cascade of physiological events also forces a bypass of our prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking, decision-making, and emotional regulation. When we’re in these triggered states, sincere dialogue becomes very difficult. In the language of the IFS paradigm, we have been hijacked by an impulse, a “protector part,” even though what is happening may not feel or seem in the moment like protection.

Self-awareness can be a useful tool in these moments. When we recognize that we’re experiencing this internal agitation, can we take a step back and notice what’s happening in our minds and bodies? We might say to ourselves, “A part of me is extremely angry right now,” or “A part of me is deeply afraid of this conflict.” Rather than reacting to our emotions, we can respond to them, acknowledging their origins and beginning the process of calming our internal system to regain our composure. 

Although this may serve as a helpful starting point within our family units, we may feel hopeless when confronted with the scale of incivility occurring throughout larger society. To reframe our outlook, seasoned organizational development consultant Vicki McCoy, MA offers the following idea: while as individuals we may not be able to change the world on a grand scale, we can “bloom where we’re planted,” acting as sources of peace, hope, and understanding within our own communities. I do believe that change at a societal level can come about from small, everyday acts of intentional understanding and communication, and it starts with choosing to tap into the compassionate and rational parts of ourselves. The reasonable aspect of us will take charge; the pig may step back, and we’ll spare ourselves from a mud fight.

To hear more about this topic, we invite you to watch the video From Flight or Fight to Dialogue, wherein Vicki McCoy, MA, Toufic Hakim, PhD, and David Medeiros, MSW, LICSW discuss how to approach fraught conversations and situations with compassion and curiosity.