What Furby Taught Me About Anger

Anger can be one of our most powerful emotions, and it can provide us with immense amounts of energy. But sometimes this energy proves too volatile, and it becomes easy to lose control. In these situations, the anger takes over and we fly into a rage. This loss of control is disorienting, and even when it gets us the result we wanted, it’s often embarrassing and regrettable. We want to be able to respect and listen to our anger without becoming it, so that we can use it when and how it suits us best.

This, of course, is easier said than done. Anger can be a very overwhelming emotional experience. When something truly triggers my anger it consumes me almost entirely, and in that moment my only aim becomes discharging that anger at whatever provoked it. Anger is a great energy resource and motivator, but I’ve found it is not the best decision-maker.

My older brother would tease me when we were younger, and he really knew how to push all my buttons. One time, I picked up a Furby (a popular early 2000s alien toy) and threw it at him. It sailed wide right and smashed through a large glass window behind him. My goal, of course, was not to smash a window or injure a Furby. But the true goal also wasn’t to hurt my brother, although that’s the resolution my anger formed in my fit of rage. What I really wanted was for him to stop teasing me.

Thinking clearly, a simpler and more effective solution would have been to get my parents, leave the room, or assertively tell him to stop. This example is from my childhood, but I think it still applies to adult life. When anger overwhelms our minds and takes over our decision-making, we’re often returned to this same state of childish impulsiveness, no matter what our age.

There are some exercises that can help quell our anger and keep it from overriding our decision-making. One is recognizing and mentally or verbally confirming that a part of us is very angry, rather than saying we are very angry. This slight distinction can be surprisingly helpful, giving us some distance from the overwhelming emotion and room to make more balanced decisions. Going to a new location is another good way to reset, even if it’s just stepping outside a room or taking a short walk. These won’t dissipate the anger or solve what triggered it in the first place, but they can move us closer to a place where we can speak with our anger and understand the issue at hand, instead of letting it overwhelm our sensibilities and dictate our actions.

We can respect our anger, even when it activates unnecessarily. Forcefully suppressing it, or releasing it all at once like a firehose, isn’t the best solution, even though that’s often what happens. Anger can be a very helpful tool. By learning to mediate it, we can use its power without losing control, especially in the face of injustice (whether from your older brother or a societal system).

We invite you to check out episode nine of the Facing the Moment podcast, Wising Up to Anger, where Toufic Hakim, PhD, and Ted Riskin, LCSW, dive into the causes of anger and how to bring it under our control, reclaiming the emotion as a powerful tool.