Take Five: The Power of a Pause

Our lives are largely defined by the interactions we have with others. Sometimes we behave in ways that we later regret, or that we feel should somehow have been better. “If only we had our wits about us,” or “next time we’ll do better,” we might say to ourselves in frustration. Of course, it can be very hard to resist our impulses or change our habitual behaviors and, at times, our inability to correct these behaviors can leave us feeling powerless.

While this task may seem daunting, the path to self-control and awareness starts simply: just take a pause. Instead of immediately reacting to a stress-inducing situation, we can take a brief moment to introspect and check in with our emotions and/or any physical sensations we might be having. We may first say to ourselves: “I’m just going to take five or ten seconds before I say anything.” The goal of the pause is to understand where we are coming from in this given situation. Are we angry and hoping to get someone else to back down? Or maybe we’re exasperated and just trying to wrap up the situation as quickly as possible, and we’ll think about the costs or a better way we could have proceeded later. This exercise allows us to flex our self-awareness muscles and make sure that our next action is one we won’t cringe at later in the day.

Recently, an airline lost my checked bag which contained my apartment keys and medication. My initial reaction was not to pause and check in with myself. I already knew how I was feeling about the situation: I was angry! I had waited for my luggage for 45 minutes and when I asked the attendant at the baggage counter where my bag was, she told me she didn’t know and that there was nothing she could do. There wasn’t any outburst, but I was ruder to the attendant than I would’ve liked to be. Before speaking with her, I didn’t take the time to investigate the emotions underlying my anger, namely powerlessness and aggrievement, and my anger was front and center during our conversation. The layover for my next flight afforded me a real opportunity to pause and assess where I was at, how I wanted to communicate with the airline’s employees moving forward, and what a realistic solution might look like. In this less-agitated and more integrated state of mind, I called into the airline’s help center and was able to speak with someone and have them help me ascertain the location and expedite the delivery of my bag.

Honestly, I’m still a bit angry about the situation. I believe my anger was justified, but what I regret was letting it solely dictate my behavior with the baggage attendant. If I had taken a moment to pause and attend to my own aspects of self, I likely would’ve gotten my bag delivered more quickly and not felt that I’d been a bit of a jerk to someone just doing their job.

The path to forging better connections, maintaining our mental stability, and finding our power can start from within. The first step, pausing, is simple, and while it may seem like this act would be too small to change longstanding behaviors, I believe it’s a good place to start.

If you found this article interesting, check out Episode 12 of the Facing the Moment Podcast, Healing the Heart of Education. In this episode, Toufic Hakim, PhD, and Joanna Curry-Sartori, LMFT, discuss the current difficulties faced by young people, parents, and educators, and provide practical techniques (such as the PAUSE program) to help improve connection, productivity, and a sense of empowerment throughout the educational system.