On Psychache: Suicidal Inclination and Belonging

Talking about suicide is often taboo, sometimes for good reasons. Discussed carelessly, it can cause further harm or distress. But it is more often purposefully ignored, because bringing it up can get us labeled as self-indulgent, dramatic, or weak. The very fact that we are experiencing it can evoke shame and embarrassment, leading us to sweep it under the rug even around those we love and respect most. Sharing that we’re having suicidal thoughts may feel dangerous: will someone have us committed? Will we lose our friends’ and family’s respect? 

Leading suicidologist Edwin Shneidman believed that psychological pain is the primary driver of suicide. He called it psychache: “It is how you feel as a person; how you feel in your mind or heart. It refers to how much you hurt as a human being, the pain of shame, guilt, grief, humiliation, hopelessness, loneliness, or anguish.” As this pain becomes unbearable and seemingly inescapable, suicide can start to appear as the only means of stopping it.

Individuals driven to suicide are each dealing with their own unique circumstances, but the throughline that unites most of them is unendurable pain. Some of humanity’s most celebrated creators and leaders have lived with this, including Lady Gaga, Keith McNally, Winston Churchill, Vincent van Gogh, and David Foster Wallace. Some have eventually succumbed and some figured out ways to cope and continue on. Regardless, suicidal inclinations do not define their lives or any of our own. We are not merely the darkest part of ourselves—that aspect is only a piece of us, and perhaps it is not dark, but rather it has taken on a role designed to protect us from pain.

It is not possible to remove all pain. What we can do is learn how to face it or even, as it is often suggested by psychotherapists, learn to safely lean into it. Grief, failure, loneliness, these are natural and deeply human experiences. Sadness can be a gift, opening us to emotional sensitivity and compassion. What we may need is not to eliminate pain but to make it more bearable, and perhaps to find some meaning within it.

Having a sense of belonging and connection can help. Speaking with someone who is willing to really listen and hear out our stories can have an unburdening effect. There may not always be a solution to what’s causing the pain, but the very act of speaking about it with someone we trust can ease some of the internal turmoil. This pain can feel all-encompassing and inescapable, but it is not the whole of who we are. Others have lived with it too, and we can try to find a way through.

If you or someone you love is struggling, you are not alone, and support is available. Call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

To learn more, we invite you to explore two resources from our community. The first is a conversation between Amy Marcotte, LCSW, Christopher Poe, LPC, and Lawrence Snee, PhD, moderated by Stew Brown, PhD, discussing the difficulties veterans can have when returning to civilian life and the ways they can support themselves and each other through self-understanding, mutual respect, and building connections. The second is the Facing the Moment podcast episode “Emerging from Suicidal Despair,” in which Toufic Hakim, PhD, and Bill Geis, PhD, discuss the psychological underpinnings of suicide and the ways we can help ourselves and those around us.