Healing for peace

“It’s important to remember that extreme trauma not only reshapes the lives of those who actually live through overwhelming events. It is a train that rumbles through history, depositing its load into the lives of new generations as well.” – Tirzah Firestone

“Pain that is not transformed is transmitted.” – Richard Rohr

It is the third week of October 2023, and I am sitting on a plane from Tel Aviv to NYC sobbing. The plane is full, and I cannot believe anyone, including me, wants to leave Israel at this time. Since October 8th I have co-led several workshops, and the pain and need for safe spaces to feel everything has been so huge that I am overcome by deep sadness and shame about going away from people who are suffering rather than running towards them.

I’m hoping that during this trip when I lead workshops and give talks in different places in the US, I will be able to enlist the support we need to deal with this unfathomable trauma, grief and suffering. Together, we can try to avoid our pain turning into cycles of anger, resentment, and desire for revenge that result in more violence, more death.

When we reach Newark, I am exhausted from the sleepless, tearful night but also calmer. As I step onto my next flight to Denver, I search for an empty aisle seat, hoping to avoid dealing with the claustrophobic part of me who has difficulty sitting in the center row. But the plane is full. I have no choice. As soon as I settle into my assigned seat, the person on my right says: “Nitsan is that you?” I look over and am so relieved to see Ashley Curley sitting next to me. Ashley oversees the IFS (Internal Family Systems) Conference, the first stop on my US tour. Thank you, universe! We begin to chat about the situation and our lives. 

About an hour into the flight, I express dismay that such a small number of people signed up for Hagit Zeev’s and my “Healing for Peace with IFS” workshop. I designed the workshop to showcase our work in Israel: how we help build bridges of connection and hope between Israelis and Palestinians. It seems so relevant at this time. I ask Ashley: “What do you think is going on? Why aren’t more of the 800 workshop attendees interested in our workshop?”

“Oh, I think people signed up for workshops in the summer before October 7,” Ashley explains. “Also, there are many people new to IFS who are just looking to receive further training in the basics.” Then, sensing my disappointment, she adds “But here’s an idea…During lunchtime there will be round tables dedicated to different topics. We can create a table dedicated to the conflict in the Middle East. You can announce it at [IFS founder] Dick Schwartz’s workshop and then possibly get more people involved.”

As she spoke, I realized: Hagit and I will have a workshop with 11 or 12 wonderful participants, but the whole IFS conference can also somehow become our platform—our opportunity to build connections and enlist allies. 

Two days later during Dick’s full day workshop, I approach him and ask to speak for a moment to invite people to our round table. He promises to consult with his co facilitator Zvi Ish Shalom and get back to me, but this does not happen. Towards the end of their workshop Zvi leads a meditation that reconnects me deeply to my healing Self energy, which has been so depleted since the October 7th massacre in Israel and subsequent devastation in Gaza. When he invites people to share how it was for them, I raise my hand and share how meaningful it is to feel more centered again. 

Then Dick remembers my request and invites me to speak about the round table. I look around the room at more than 100 people and feel hesitant. On the verge of tears, I say: “It is so good to be here in this moment amongst you, away from the conflict. What we are going through right now in our part of the world feels like too much pain for one person, one community, and even one country to hold. We need your wisdom, compassion and knowledge to help us bring healing to this horror that has happened and is still happening as I speak. Please join me at our round table today during lunchtime, and let’s try to figure out what we can do together…” 

Gazing around the room and seeing so much compassion in people’s eyes, I begin to cry. My knees feel weak, and it’s difficult to stand. I move towards a wall where I can lean back. A few people rise up and move to stand next to me. They are holding my hands, hugging, crying with me, thanking me for speaking up and reminding me that in this moment I am safe and not alone. Through the fog I can hear a woman’s voice from the front of the room sharing her agony that her cousin was kidnapped from the Nova party. At that moment I have no idea that it is Ilanit Tal speaking and how important she would become in the creation of our project.

When I finally sit down at the round table (that Ashley prepared for us) that afternoon, Ilanit and several other women join us. Later, this core group becomes either part of the organizing team or an integral part of the program.

As we begin to speak and share our feelings and thoughts about what is happening, I say:

“There is a group of women from the city of Zefat whom I have been working with for years using IFS. They could really use support right now. Do you think we could find therapists and practitioners from the IFS community who would be willing to offer support for a few sessions on a voluntary basis?”

“Sure. Let’s give it a try,” says Ilanit. “I can send an invite and we’ll see what happens.” Everyone at our table seems excited, and I feel relief that perhaps traveling all the way to Denver during this time will eventually prove to be a blessing.

Ilanit sends the invite, which goes out on the IFS Level 1 Facebook group and a few IFS therapist listservs. A couple of days later, we correspond as responses begin to come in. Five people are interested, then ten, 20, and 30! I am overwhelmed by this outpouring of support. Just two days later, when we reach 50, Ilanit says: “Let’s stop here and make sure we have enough people for these therapists to work with.” 

Responses come in so fast that she closes the sign-up sheet when responses tally 60. Because Ilanit is American, her network returned mostly American volunteers but also included people from UK, Ireland, Germany, and Australia. And so, the project begins. 

The women I had in mind from my groups are quickly matched to eager volunteers. With an abundance of volunteers, Ilanit reaches out to IFS Israel to see if therapists there could use additional support, as they provide support to clients while being traumatized themselves. Participants and leaders from other Israeli and Palestinian healing circles like the Playback theatre group (conducted under my nonprofit Together Beyond Words) are also matched by Ilanit. 

Our volunteers bring their own Self energy and care to their assigned participants, as they speak for and from their Parts but don’t provide therapy per se. The purpose is to support individuals in a way that would help them feel more centered and connected as I did when I was at the IFS conference in October.

When asked about the impact of their participation in the Healing for Peace project, our volunteers shared their feedback:

• “It’s the best thing that happened to me. Seeing the Israeli women has given my part a sense of agency instead of the isolated, helpless, and frustrated parts that overwhelmed me. Providing the consultation has helped me as much if not more than it helped the participants.”
• “It makes me feel that I am actually helping – even if only in a small way”
• “Taking action and doing something helpful has been very meaningful. Also hearing directly from Israelis and Palestinians has increased my understanding, compassion, and connection.”
• “It has given me more insight into and compassion for how people in Israel are experiencing the war than if I were to just read about it or talk with people around me here in the USA. It isn’t just something happening far away to people I don’t know; it’s happening to people I feel connected to. This is cultivating in me more of a connection to the planet as a whole, of which I am a part. We are all in this together, though many are suffering much, much more than others. At least I can think of even people I don’t know and extend compassion to them, show up for them in this way instead of keep myself from knowing and acknowledging. This widens my perspective.”
• “War that takes place halfway across the world can feel a bit abstract so connecting with a real person in real time who is living in that part of the world has helped to keep the issue meaningful and relevant – and made me feel closer to the people living in my part of the world who are directly impacted. This work has also led to a better understanding of my own parts that feel activated. It was a powerful experience to connect with “M” – I think of her often and hope she is safe and well.”
• “Very impactful, the sense of community is what gets me through these times. I am very impressed at the hard work I see from Volunteers. I hope to continue to receive clients…”
• “My time with [Healing for Peace] has brought connection, community and a sense of being able to contribute something meaningful in a way that is possible for me to a situation that mostly feels too large and overwhelming for me to engage with or have any impact on. Very grateful to you Ilanit and Nitsan!”

I continue sending Ilanit the names, and she matches each person with a volunteer. She also divides the therapists to peer groups so they can support one another during the process. Lara Krawchuk offers support to our volunteers who encounter special issues. Rebecca O’Callaghan supports both Ilanit and me, and, along with Hagit Zeev, is a vital member of our think tank. Ilanit responds to emails and resolves problems as they arise, and Dick provides monthly IFS consultation to the entire group for an entire year, with an emphasis on collective un-burdenings as appropriate. Thus, we have been moving forward month by month in our attempt to “heal for peace.” We decided to call the project Healing for Peace, inspired by the Together Beyond Words (TBW) work conducted in Israel over the past 30 years. 

Then in February 2024, the Army of Healers project begins. After returning from the US in November, I had a sense that there is so much pain and trauma at this time, more than TBW can hold, despite decades of work. An actual Army of Healers is needed, a cadre of facilitators and group leaders who can reach and provide support to many more people. We gather 30 facilitators and prepare them to work in pairs of Arabs and Jews, Israelis and Palestinians; we create safe spaces where people can feel what is theirs to feel and begin to heal.

The Army of Healers project now consists of therapists and group facilitators who co-facilitate mixed group for Israelis and Palestinians in different parts of the country, creating spaces where it is safe to express what is on our personal and collective hearts, to be heard, and to listen to one another—spaces of trust, understanding, and compassion for cultivating new ways of being together. Our desire is that these safe places will become a source of hope for a different future and will help us build a culture of harmony, dialogue, and, eventually, even peace. 

At this point, the volunteers from abroad begin to support the Army of Healers facilitators so they can work on their own pain and trauma. Their support helps our facilitators be more present and openhearted while they work to create healing spaces for the participants in their groups. Healing for Peace becomes an international unit of our new army, reclaiming this violent word from the arms used in war to our arms that embrace. 

When asked what way the support sessions with the volunteers have helped them, our Army of Healers facilitators share this feedback:

• “The sessions contributed to my sense of well-being during such a challenging time.”
• “Knowing that a weekly meeting with the therapist was available —where I could share, consult, and vent—instilled a great deal of strength.”
• “Enabled a more in-depth acquaintance with the Self, and an understanding of the parts that work within me.”
• “Provided essential tools and enhanced the ability to navigate complex situations that emerged within the group.”
• “Offered much-needed breathing room and refocused my attention on what motivates me to act.”
• “Guided me toward inner peace which positively affected my work with the group.”
• “Expanded my emotional availability and the ability to hold the space for the group’s needs.”
• “Provided a space to address present challenges and reflect on past patterns, with the resulting insights proving to be immensely valuable.”
• “Reminded me that emotional support is crucial – and a facilitator must also be a client.”

We also hear that: “Undergoing therapy in English, which isn’t my native language, gave me firsthand insight into what the Arab participants experience. It made me realize the constant effort required to understand and speak another language. Previously, I understood this conceptually, but experiencing it was entirely different.” 

This last comment reflects one of the very real challenges that we have faced: the need for more Arabic- and Hebrew-speaking practitioners and therapists. Our facilitators who speak English less well would deeply appreciate being supported in their mother tongue.

Since March 2024, our facilitators have run eight different “safe spaces to feel and heal,” long-term groups working with more than 200 people. The facilitators use a variety of tools, including NonViolent Communication (NVC), listening partnerships, mindfulness, storytelling circles, playback theater, movement and dance, truth process, and more to create safe spaces where the participants can connect with one another. Painful emotions related to the conflict are felt, and the process of healing and community building begins.

In an analysis of surveys from some of our groups that completed this series of ten meetings, the feedback from participants shows a positive impact on many individuals’ understanding of the conflict, their empathy towards the other side, and an increased sense of calm, belonging, strength, peace, and clarity in their daily lives. There is also an increased sense hope for inter-sectoral sisterhood/brotherhood in Israel, with suggestions to promote this through increased dialogue and joint activities. The feedback also highlights the importance of supportive facilitators and a safe group environment in order to achieve these positive outcomes. 

We are now in the process of opening another 14 such groups and planning to work with almost 300 participants. During such precarious times, this project and its layers of support are absolutely unique and essential. Our Healing for Peace volunteers, which now number approximately 80, have already supported more than 120 Israelis and Palestinians. Hundreds of individuals have been directly touched by this program—and hundreds more indirectly, if we consider that Self-leadership spreads to those they interact with, like families, coworkers, clients, students, and community members.

Because the war has lasted so much longer and the project has grown larger than any of us originally anticipated, we are now looking to raise funds for the running of this project in the United States. This has been accomplished by Ilanit Tal on a voluntary basis over the last year-plus. Ilanit has shared that she wishes more people understood that these programs support both Israeli Jews and Arab Palestinians, who are on the ground in a conflict zone doing the challenging emotional work of building trust and enhancing heart to heart connections between opposing sides. 

In the future, we plan to offer (in addition to the consultation sessions so generously provided by Dick) free enrichment Zoom workshops to our volunteers from some IFS and other leaders who support our work, plus talks by people from both sides of the conflict who can give insights and a deeper understanding about what is happening in the Middle East. We’re also planning to offer free Zoom introductory class on the basics of IFS to our Army of Healers facilitators. We want this powerful and effective tool to reach the hundreds of people participating in the different groups.

Both Army of Healers and Healing for Peace projects aim to transform pain, anger, and desire for revenge into understanding and empathy towards those who are different from us. In a part of the world that has become so hostile and cynical, this goal is a huge undertaking. 

During this past year both the Army of Healers and Healing for Peace projects have faced many challenges. For example, as the director of Army of Healers who is an Israeli Jew, I have knowledge gaps about what Jews living abroad, or even in other communities in Israel, are feeling and have to deal with. I also don’t know what it feels like to be a Palestinian in Gaza, in the West Bank, Israel or abroad. 

What has helped me gain a deeper understanding is listening to the stories and feelings that my Israeli and Palestinian colleagues and educating myself about the situation from different sources. Every day I try to remember that within this seemingly impossible, polarizing situation our goal is to work towards healing human beings, communities, and opening hearts to a new possibility of existing together.

Those interested in supporting the administration of the Healing for Peace project, can donate to this Patreon. 

To support the Army of Healers program directly, which pays facilitators to run these heart-opening groups in Israel and West Bank, please donate here: https://beyondwords.org.il/donate/

We very much hope that more Arabic and Hebrew speaking volunteers will join us in supporting our Army of Healers facilitators. Please reach out to ifshealingforpeace@gmail.com to enlist.

Nitsan Joy Gordon is Jewish, the mother of two children, and grandmother of four. She is the author of the book Together Beyond Words: Women on a Quest for Peace in the Middle East and has a master’s degree in dance/movement therapy (thesis on “Nonverbal Cues to Prejudice”). Nitsan is the director of Together Beyond Words (TBW) and is trained and experienced in healing touch, multi-level listening techniques, Radical Aliveness, and Internal Family System (IFS). For several years, she has led courses and workshops focused on understanding and healing prejudice, as well as the everyday application of IFS and the TBW approach for peace-building.

Ilanit Tal is the co-founder of Healing for Peace with Nitsan Joy Gordon. She was born in New York to Jewish Israeli parents of Ashkenazi and Sephardic descent and currently resides in Southern California. Regretfully, her family member referenced in the article was murdered while in captivity in Gaza after being shot and kidnapped from the Nova party on October 7. However, Ilanit’s connection to that tragedy was a catalyst for her involvement with these projects which have, thankfully, given her the opportunity to transform her pain. She brings her experience in research leadership and program management to the administration of the Healing for Peace project. Ilanit is also herself an IFS practitioner, a guide for therapists learning the model, and currently serves as the associate director of research at the Foundation for Self Leadership, the official IFS nonprofit.