Aligning our Needs with our Moral Compass

As humans, we all have emotional and physical needs that we try to have met, as well as moral guidelines that we aspire to adhere to. Making a list of the virtues we want to strive for would likely not be too hard (honesty, mutual respect, showing kindness, etc.), but could we create the same list for the needs that inform our everyday interactions and behaviors? This requires some introspection and self-awareness, which can be difficult. The ways in which we’re trying to get our needs met are not always going to align well with our moral compass. Creating both of these lists and then viewing them side-by-side might reveal why and where behavioral contradictions are occurring and help guide us to personal insights that allow us to live our lives with more integrity.  

The simplest example of this might be the starving boy who steals bread from the store to feed himself. While this act may betray the boy’s values of honesty and respect, it satisfies the more pressing need to eat in order to continue living. Heartbreaking examples of this sort aside, we may want to balance our emotional needs with our moral needs. Doing so may help us achieve a sense of personal integrity and inner alignment. These needs likely aren’t as primal as a need for survival, but they might manifest as a need for safety; or to be liked, loved, or respected; or to become the center of the conversation. We don’t have to deem our needs as good or bad. They’re just that: needs. However, if we allow them to lead us to behaviors that breach our moral compasses, we may end up behaving in ways that we wish we hadn’t.

To gain a heightened awareness of when we run the risk of this happening, we can write down a list of three values we’re trying to live out and three needs that we’re trying to have met. For example, here is my own list:

My Values: 

1. Keeping an open mind, especially towards ideas that I initially disagree with
2. Giving and receiving respect
3. Trustworthiness: I want my word to be trusted as a reliable bond

My Needs: 

1. I feel a need to be right
2. I feel a need to be liked
3. I feel a need for people to think that I’m smart 

This simple activity may help us become more conscious and honest with ourselves about what we’re truly hoping to get out of our daily conversations and interactions. We can then question whether this aligns with our values. I often find that my need to be right and feel smart conflicts with my aspirations towards open-mindedness. Which is more important to me? I think some of our emotional needs arise from a place of insecurity or fear, and when we allow these emotions to dictate our behavior, we don’t permit ourselves the space to grow, learn, or connect. At the same time, though, these needs exist for a reason, and we should not dismiss or suppress them offhand. Instead, we want to understand them, explore their root cause, and work to loosen their grip on us by addressing what lurks in their shadow. 

Many of us likely believe in being honest, respectful of others, and loyal to our friends and families. Ideally, our behaviors would be guided by these values; nonetheless, our needs can at times override our moral compasses and lead us into behaviors that don’t correspond with how we see ourselves. By being clear about our moral aspirations and our emotional or physical needs, we will gain the awareness needed to help us engage in the process of transforming them and, as a result, start behaving in ways that lead us to a deeper sense of security and connectedness.

We invite you to listen to episode fourteen of the Facing the Moment podcast, Sustaining Community Under Stress. Toufic Hakim, PhD, and Jody Nelson, EdD, LMFT, discuss how communities in Minneapolis and St. Paul have responded to the surge of federal agents and mass deportations, and how people in hyperlocal environments can hold onto a sense of empowerment and purpose even amid difficult, and sometimes violent, circumstances.